Crushed with Joy
My heart is still bruised. Yesterday I tried to carry a burden that was too heavy for my heart to even hold. My 8 year old boy got tangled in a sin that he had been in trouble with before. I was angry, but once my pulse began to find a steady rhythm I noticed how grief stricken he was. He couldn’t stop sobbing as he sunk further into his mother’s chest. His words stammered out in between breaths, but I waited on his every word. He cried how much he hated his sin. His said he couldn’t understand why he keeps doing it. His mind was confused and his little body could barely carry the guilt. It was crushing as he emptied out everything that he felt.
This moment became surreal when my thoughts started to drown out his cry. I began to wonder if God’s heart is still bruised from all my gross rebellion. Staring at my son I wanted my body to buckle like a child again when I’m convicted. Have I lost this? My head was consumed with all these thoughts until I heard my son say “Thank you daddy for protecting me from sin.” My beautiful boy was thankful that he got caught, and loved me for keeping him from going any further. I could still see his silhouette through my soaked eyelashes and grabbed him from his mother’s arms. I embraced him. I told him that I loved him. I told him that I forgave him. I told him that I was guilty of worse, and that God forgave me just as well. He repeated my words as we prayed. He followed me to the cross. I repented with him. The weight of guilt was no longer our burden for us to carry. I couldn’t let go of him.
The gift of repentance that God gave my son is more valuable to me than my own salvation. I can understand the Apostle Paul when he noted to the Romans “For I could wish that I myself were accursed, separated from Christ for the sake of my brethren, my kinsmen according to the flesh.” My son has enough of the Word in him to not only understands the weight of his sin, but also the depth of God’s mercy. I am in tears over this as I write, and crushed with joy.